He looks up to her face as she touches his. Her answer makes his brows knot further as a sort of helplessness ties up his guts. His suspicion and doubt roars away, leaving him to scramble as he tries to justify its existence. He doesn't know what will happen if he can't. His eyes dart back down.
"What if he is lying? What if it is a trick? I need something I can do. Some leverage or..." Something. What has he planned like this in the past? Nothing. He's always trusted to thoughtlessly. He didn't put his faith in people but he always underestimated how things could get so much worse. He can never quite imagine the worst case.
He mutters lower, "I wish he hadn't said anything. I could just call associating with him a mistake and be done with it."
"Maybe he said something because he doesn't want it to be a mistake," she suggests, just as gently. She can see him struggling, so she takes his hand and guides him towards the couch where they can both have a seat.
Once seated, she takes both his hands, holding them firmly in hers. "When our trust is broken, it's not so easy to form again. It's going to take time for that trust to form again--Time in which he'll have to prove that he really means what he says. But it's not a bad thing if it does form again. The people who apologize and try to better themselves for us... Trusting in those people isn't a mistake."
It settles ill in him, the idea that John might have done that simply to repair things. It gives John's apology a rooted reason, but leaves him a different kind of uncertainty.
He lets her guide him. His eyes turn down to their locked hands, too sharp and at the same time, perfect walls for anything he might feel. His expression is less helpful in that respect.
"It might be a bad thing," He suggests quietly. "I shouldn't have let this happen in the first place. All the trouble it caused. And probably to you too, if you and John were fighting as well." Which brings with it a spark of anger. He sighs, letting it out. "I'm not trying to get involved with these people. But I'm not trying hard enough if this is what's happening and we're still here."
She laughs a little, despite herself. Just a small exhale of breath and a smile, a little lop-sided as she tilts her head. "People are trouble... But you shouldn't avoid them forever. Interacting with others helps us grow as people. I wouldn't consider what Dr. Watson and I had as a fight; but if he's come to you seeking forgiveness, then he's undoubtedly grown as a person. And I feel better knowing that, and knowing I helped him get there."
That she would admit as much gets him looking at her. His face quickly falls.
"I keep telling you there's no point in anything like that for me. It doesn't make a difference except for getting in the way." And every time he tells her as much he feels a little more worn down.
He denies, once again, that there's any point in him forming relationships with others. She frowns a little, exhaling a sigh. It's not like she doesn't know the difficulties that he faces--or the prospect of his lonely existence, but...
"Maybe I want there to be a point," she says quietly, almost to herself. He might have given up hope, but she hasn't.
"Nothing much happened... He invited himself over for coffee, so I made some for him. I'm not sure what he was really there for, but I mentioned your fight with Dr. Strange. That it had been his idea. There was some disagreement between us, and he left."
"Just because you want something doesn't mean it's something that's possible."
It comes out without thought, spoken low. Immediately, he wishes he hadn't said it, wincing slightly. But it's out now.
Thankfully, there's something to latch on to.
"This is why I don't want you defending me. It doesn't do anything to help you, it just drags you down with me. I can climb out of any hole I get myself into but I'm not going to be any good at pulling you up and out too. You should just let me figure it all out."
She frowns at him for that, but doesn't say more. She can't accept something so hurtful as truth, even if he can't see it as anything but. Words aren't going to change his mind, so she'll just have to prove it to him somehow.
"...I don't want someone's kindness," she continues, "If they can't extend it to you as well. What kind of mother would I be if I took that for granted without considering your feelings? I won't be indebted to someone who treats you badly. I refuse."
He breathes the word and falls silent for a moment, simply staring at her. His face is as close to something sorry as it ever can get. He has to look down and away.
"I keep telling you that too. We don't work like that. Even if we did, you're not a bad mother if you don't fight the world. You can't fight the whole world for me. It's good not to be indebted, but you need at least some bridges unburnt. And if extending kindness to me is the rule for that, you're not going to have any left. This is the way people are. You have to get used to it." A pause. "It'll be easier for me to look after you, if I'm not counting all my enemies as yours."
"Mmm." It's an noncommittal noise that she gives him for that, as if she's truly thinking it over and can't reach and agreement or a disagreement. She goes back to her task for a few moments, letting the silence stretch between them--perhaps a little uncomfortably. But finally she smiles up at him again, smaller but no less genuine.
He grimaces, grin all twisted up like something's gone and twisted up in him. He's some parts amused at her turn around, but in other ways truly frustrated. She doesn't get it.
"You think you're so clever don't you?" He says. He tries to laugh it off. It doesn't come out right. Instead he shakes his head and brings it to bow, bangs hanging so he's hidden.
"I'm not trying to be anyone's friend but that doesn't mean im trying to be their enemy. I barely have to do anything for people to hate me. A lot of people haven't even heard me speak. Even less know anything about me. So we can't just blame it all on an abrasive personality. Either people are just like this or they can sense something. Like some prey senses a predator. You have to know it's true."
"I'm not trying to be clever," she tells him, just as soft as before. "I'm just trying to show you that there's another way. If you don't want me to defend you, then use that. Make that your reason for trying. You're smart enough; and determined enough. You should be able to see... It's not instinct that makes them uneasy. It's because you don't let them in. You don't let them see you--like you are right now, talking with me."
Use that, she says, and he's already muttering, "I can't." It's not fair. It's not his fault, things are just like this. He says it again, a little louder when she asks him to let them in: "I can't."
No. It's not instinct. People don't listen to instincts. What it is is that they're bastards. They all are. It's hidden but it's there, underneath. He can't trust them. In the end... in the end...
"I can't!" He snaps. "Look what happened with John! It's a mistake! People find more than they should and show their true colors immediately after! And what are they supposed to find anyway? That I'm a weapon with no power? That I barely count as a person and can never be their friend? No, you know what it's going to be? It's going to be that at the end of the day, those bastards are right, and the closer they get to me the more I want to kill them!" He stands up, shifting away from her. He takes a step back.
"No one's gonna just say it--" Always words like crush and destroy and swallow up. Even his own phrasing, he can't just speak it for what it is. "But that's what it is. That's what it comes down to. I can't beat everyone in this world, when they inevitably come for me. The bastards take that little tidbit and run with it, while the ones who were stupid enough to actually genuinely think they could get in give me that damn look when they finally understand what it all means! I can't tell them anything, which means I can't let them in, which means everyone's just going to take their first impressions and make me out a bastard until I inevitably disappear and stop existing in anyone's life! And now I've told you that, which means your gonna give me that look and I..." He can't stand this. He can't do it. He can't.
He turns, trying to start away. Get out before he has to hear it or read the words in her eyes.
His outburst feels like a knife in her chest, twisting and turning, digging deeper with each word. When he calls himself barely a person. When he says that people will turn on him. When he explains all the things he's holding back. The hollow parts of him, she knows.
"Hey," she calls to him, hoping to stall him. She reaches for his hand, having a hold and pulling him back. Her sympathy is clear on her face, but she pulls him close, wrapping her other arm around until she's enveloped him. She holds him tight, desperately so.
"You're a person. You're here, and you have thoughts and feelings, and that matters. That matters a lot. And opening up is hard. But that's why it matters even more to let people in. If you can't do it, they can for you. ...I can, if you need me to. That's why, if you need it, I want to defend you. I want to show them all the Zangetsu that I see every day."
He stops as her hand catches his, but he doesn't turn back, instead hanging there with hiss shoulders high and head bowing low. At least until she starts pulling him in and he's drawn helplessly back, face twisting up all the while.
Pressed to her shoulder, he doesn't have to face her nor see her face. It keeps him from immediately asking how any of that could matter if it doesn't change anything.
"I won't let you get hurt for me. I'm not letting that be an option." His voice sounds a little more raw and rough than he'd like. Still, that needs to be put out there first and foremost. "... I really don't want to do this. I need a plan to deal with them that isn't just a bit of good faith in humanity. And you know I'm talking from experience." Not mere paranoia but a stupid, stupid mistake that he's tired of repeating. He's so, so tired. He doesn't want to do this again. But...
"...But... if that was worked out somehow... if that were still to leave the option... what exactly are you asking me to do?"
She holds him tight, one hand pressed against his back, the other against the back of his head. She rocks a little, side to side, her head pressed against his.
"Just... try to be at your best. Don't make threats; don't tell people that you don't care about them. Tell them what you're trying to do instead, whether it's to help some goal or protect someone or even just trying to get away for a while. And... I've said this before, but... Talk to me. Let me know what's going on. If it's something I can help guide you with, then I want to know. You shouldn't have to do this alone, and I don't want you to."
His best isn't very good according to most people's standards. He's not sure how far that's going to go. He doesn't think he's made any threats recently... maybe... Telling people he doesn't care about them, he guesses he could try that. Even if it's the truth. He still really doesn't like the idea of this but he'll try it. Especially if they come up with that back up plan he's calling for.
By the end he sighs, leaning a little into her rocking. She makes him feeling a child. Both for good and bad. Her hand at his head is a comfort and shot of nerves both.
And it's for that reason he asks, quietly, "Why aren't you afraid? Doesn't it make you angry that something like me is living within your son?"
"No. You care about him as much as I do. Nothing matters more than that, so why would I be angry or afraid?" There's more to it than just that, but for now, she thinks that answer will be good enough.
"And... I have the same hollow living inside me. You're not to blame for that; not for me or for him."
She makes it sound so simple. He wishes it was always so. But then, there are also the things she leaves unsaid, the things he can't let lie.
"...Neither are you. You know that right?"
That hollow might be a tie to him, a singular thing that keeps them bound together and keeps him belonging, but that doesn't mean it's all her fault. He knows exactly whose fault it is.
Regardless. "What should we do for that back up plan? We need something."
She smiles at him, almost sadly, but not quite. Her hand brushes back a bit of his bangs, tucking a few strands affectionately behind his ear. "Everyone is responsible for the actions they take." Everyone, including her. This isn't a burden he can simply take from her. But it is one that she's willing to leave aside for now.
"Well... What would you like as a backup plan? What sort of plan do you feel like you need?" She knows that he doesn't want to feel like he's making himself vulnerable, but it's the How that she's not sure how to deal with. Shutting everyone out hasn't been working for him, and letting everyone in seems to scare him.
"You want to feel safe while you're here, right?... Maybe that's something we can ask Zephyr about?" That is the kind of wish that the child has expressed for them. Maybe they'd be willing to help?
He doesn't like that look, like he's the fool here who simply doesn't understand. He frowns at her as she brushes back his hair, and then his mouth opens quick to protest what she says. "You didn't make that thing exis--" He starts, only for her to carry on and he's shut up quiet again.
His eyes dart down. "I... need some way to beat them. I need some way to fight back." He wants to feel safe but it sounds so pathetic out loud. And it's not just about that either. "I need it to be so that, if something happens, you're not paying for it too. You need to get home and Ichigo needs me back." He doesn't want to deal with all the possible problems, but it's something he can deal with, if he has to.
"I've asked Zephyr for power but nothing's changed. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Maybe it's that I can't get power back without Ichigo after all. But without that, all I can think of is... dimension between us and them maybe. I wouldn't want you caught in that but if you play the part, Zephyr could close me off and everyone would think you're on their side." He's not sure if that's really a good idea either. But he says, "We can talk to them."
For what it's worth, she listens to his ideas. She doesn't agree with them all--especially not the direction that he starts going towards the need, but they're at least a place to start. A small glimpse into the fears that she needs to address.
"I'm not abandoning you. And I'm not pretending that I'm not on your side... I don't think they'd believe me, anyway." Not after she's so staunchly defended him to half the village already. "But we'll find something that works. I think asking Zephyr is the right decision... They want to make this place comfortable for us. If they can't give you your power, then maybe they can protect you." She pauses, then corrects herself a moment later: "Protect both of us."
"Could find a way to make it believable," He starts, muttering. And they could. They'd just need to make something of a show of it. It wouldn't be hard. He'd be himself. She'd get afraid. It would be natural and easy. Everyone would see it as her being betrayed and coming to her senses.
But he forgets that as she goes on. At first it's little more than a sickening twist of shame. Then they can protect you. He shouldn't need protecting. He doesn't want anyone else to protect him. He's escaped the suffocation of Ichigo's life, but he still feels the helplessness clawing him, trying to drag him back down to drown. He wants power.
And he wants her to be safe. That much she offers, getting him to look up, brows unwinding just a little. "I guess I can try then," He concedes, more defeated than hopeful, but still. "I'll try and... I don't know. Be a part of this. But I still don't think it's going to work. I'm not made to connect to people like you can. Even if I somehow manage it, that's not much of a good thing for them either. I'd rather stay away from them all."
"I know you would... That's why I'm proud of you for doing this anyway." She smiles at him, hoping that he gratitude shows through enough for him to see it. It's the first time that she's really had reason to hope that she might be ab;e to find her little boy inside the person that stands in front of her now.
"Connecting with others isn't easy, but it makes me happy that you're willing to try. That's all I can ask." Even if it doesn't work out, she's still glad for his trust in her. "We'll figure out the rest with Zephyr."
He only has to try for as long as they're here. Then, he reminds himself, he doesn't have to bother with it anymore. And funny that, it actually gives him something to look forward to in going back. No people. No frustrations. No further aggravated hunger.
Her gratitude is hard to look at. Whenever he catches sight of it, his eyes dart away. Like sunshine just a little too bright. She'll figure it out sooner or later-- that he can't, that it doesn't matter, that trying to make him into a watered down better version of himself is pointless. She can't hope forever.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2018-09-14 01:31 pm (UTC)"What if he is lying? What if it is a trick? I need something I can do. Some leverage or..." Something. What has he planned like this in the past? Nothing. He's always trusted to thoughtlessly. He didn't put his faith in people but he always underestimated how things could get so much worse. He can never quite imagine the worst case.
He mutters lower, "I wish he hadn't said anything. I could just call associating with him a mistake and be done with it."
no subject
Date: 2018-09-14 01:40 pm (UTC)Once seated, she takes both his hands, holding them firmly in hers. "When our trust is broken, it's not so easy to form again. It's going to take time for that trust to form again--Time in which he'll have to prove that he really means what he says. But it's not a bad thing if it does form again. The people who apologize and try to better themselves for us... Trusting in those people isn't a mistake."
no subject
Date: 2018-09-14 02:10 pm (UTC)He lets her guide him. His eyes turn down to their locked hands, too sharp and at the same time, perfect walls for anything he might feel. His expression is less helpful in that respect.
"It might be a bad thing," He suggests quietly. "I shouldn't have let this happen in the first place. All the trouble it caused. And probably to you too, if you and John were fighting as well." Which brings with it a spark of anger. He sighs, letting it out. "I'm not trying to get involved with these people. But I'm not trying hard enough if this is what's happening and we're still here."
no subject
Date: 2018-09-14 02:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-09-15 12:15 am (UTC)"I keep telling you there's no point in anything like that for me. It doesn't make a difference except for getting in the way." And every time he tells her as much he feels a little more worn down.
He frowns at her. "What did happen with you two?"
no subject
Date: 2018-09-23 03:54 pm (UTC)"Maybe I want there to be a point," she says quietly, almost to herself. He might have given up hope, but she hasn't.
"Nothing much happened... He invited himself over for coffee, so I made some for him. I'm not sure what he was really there for, but I mentioned your fight with Dr. Strange. That it had been his idea. There was some disagreement between us, and he left."
no subject
Date: 2018-09-24 02:23 am (UTC)It comes out without thought, spoken low. Immediately, he wishes he hadn't said it, wincing slightly. But it's out now.
Thankfully, there's something to latch on to.
"This is why I don't want you defending me. It doesn't do anything to help you, it just drags you down with me. I can climb out of any hole I get myself into but I'm not going to be any good at pulling you up and out too. You should just let me figure it all out."
no subject
Date: 2018-09-24 02:41 am (UTC)"...I don't want someone's kindness," she continues, "If they can't extend it to you as well. What kind of mother would I be if I took that for granted without considering your feelings? I won't be indebted to someone who treats you badly. I refuse."
no subject
Date: 2018-09-24 03:07 am (UTC)He breathes the word and falls silent for a moment, simply staring at her. His face is as close to something sorry as it ever can get. He has to look down and away.
"I keep telling you that too. We don't work like that. Even if we did, you're not a bad mother if you don't fight the world. You can't fight the whole world for me. It's good not to be indebted, but you need at least some bridges unburnt. And if extending kindness to me is the rule for that, you're not going to have any left. This is the way people are. You have to get used to it." A pause. "It'll be easier for me to look after you, if I'm not counting all my enemies as yours."
no subject
Date: 2018-09-24 03:18 am (UTC)"...Maybe you should make less enemies, then."
no subject
Date: 2018-09-24 03:26 am (UTC)"You think you're so clever don't you?" He says. He tries to laugh it off. It doesn't come out right. Instead he shakes his head and brings it to bow, bangs hanging so he's hidden.
"I'm not trying to be anyone's friend but that doesn't mean im trying to be their enemy. I barely have to do anything for people to hate me. A lot of people haven't even heard me speak. Even less know anything about me. So we can't just blame it all on an abrasive personality. Either people are just like this or they can sense something. Like some prey senses a predator. You have to know it's true."
no subject
Date: 2018-09-24 03:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-09-24 12:20 pm (UTC)No. It's not instinct. People don't listen to instincts. What it is is that they're bastards. They all are. It's hidden but it's there, underneath. He can't trust them. In the end... in the end...
"I can't!" He snaps. "Look what happened with John! It's a mistake! People find more than they should and show their true colors immediately after! And what are they supposed to find anyway? That I'm a weapon with no power? That I barely count as a person and can never be their friend? No, you know what it's going to be? It's going to be that at the end of the day, those bastards are right, and the closer they get to me the more I want to kill them!" He stands up, shifting away from her. He takes a step back.
"No one's gonna just say it--" Always words like crush and destroy and swallow up. Even his own phrasing, he can't just speak it for what it is. "But that's what it is. That's what it comes down to. I can't beat everyone in this world, when they inevitably come for me. The bastards take that little tidbit and run with it, while the ones who were stupid enough to actually genuinely think they could get in give me that damn look when they finally understand what it all means! I can't tell them anything, which means I can't let them in, which means everyone's just going to take their first impressions and make me out a bastard until I inevitably disappear and stop existing in anyone's life! And now I've told you that, which means your gonna give me that look and I..." He can't stand this. He can't do it. He can't.
He turns, trying to start away. Get out before he has to hear it or read the words in her eyes.
no subject
Date: 2018-09-24 01:51 pm (UTC)"Hey," she calls to him, hoping to stall him. She reaches for his hand, having a hold and pulling him back. Her sympathy is clear on her face, but she pulls him close, wrapping her other arm around until she's enveloped him. She holds him tight, desperately so.
"You're a person. You're here, and you have thoughts and feelings, and that matters. That matters a lot. And opening up is hard. But that's why it matters even more to let people in. If you can't do it, they can for you. ...I can, if you need me to. That's why, if you need it, I want to defend you. I want to show them all the Zangetsu that I see every day."
no subject
Date: 2018-09-24 03:34 pm (UTC)Pressed to her shoulder, he doesn't have to face her nor see her face. It keeps him from immediately asking how any of that could matter if it doesn't change anything.
"I won't let you get hurt for me. I'm not letting that be an option." His voice sounds a little more raw and rough than he'd like. Still, that needs to be put out there first and foremost. "... I really don't want to do this. I need a plan to deal with them that isn't just a bit of good faith in humanity. And you know I'm talking from experience." Not mere paranoia but a stupid, stupid mistake that he's tired of repeating. He's so, so tired. He doesn't want to do this again. But...
"...But... if that was worked out somehow... if that were still to leave the option... what exactly are you asking me to do?"
no subject
Date: 2018-09-24 04:30 pm (UTC)"Just... try to be at your best. Don't make threats; don't tell people that you don't care about them. Tell them what you're trying to do instead, whether it's to help some goal or protect someone or even just trying to get away for a while. And... I've said this before, but... Talk to me. Let me know what's going on. If it's something I can help guide you with, then I want to know. You shouldn't have to do this alone, and I don't want you to."
no subject
Date: 2018-09-24 04:45 pm (UTC)By the end he sighs, leaning a little into her rocking. She makes him feeling a child. Both for good and bad. Her hand at his head is a comfort and shot of nerves both.
And it's for that reason he asks, quietly, "Why aren't you afraid? Doesn't it make you angry that something like me is living within your son?"
no subject
Date: 2018-09-24 05:03 pm (UTC)"And... I have the same hollow living inside me. You're not to blame for that; not for me or for him."
no subject
Date: 2018-09-24 06:04 pm (UTC)"...Neither are you. You know that right?"
That hollow might be a tie to him, a singular thing that keeps them bound together and keeps him belonging, but that doesn't mean it's all her fault. He knows exactly whose fault it is.
Regardless. "What should we do for that back up plan? We need something."
no subject
Date: 2018-10-03 02:32 am (UTC)"Well... What would you like as a backup plan? What sort of plan do you feel like you need?" She knows that he doesn't want to feel like he's making himself vulnerable, but it's the How that she's not sure how to deal with. Shutting everyone out hasn't been working for him, and letting everyone in seems to scare him.
"You want to feel safe while you're here, right?... Maybe that's something we can ask Zephyr about?" That is the kind of wish that the child has expressed for them. Maybe they'd be willing to help?
no subject
Date: 2018-10-04 01:58 pm (UTC)His eyes dart down. "I... need some way to beat them. I need some way to fight back." He wants to feel safe but it sounds so pathetic out loud. And it's not just about that either. "I need it to be so that, if something happens, you're not paying for it too. You need to get home and Ichigo needs me back." He doesn't want to deal with all the possible problems, but it's something he can deal with, if he has to.
"I've asked Zephyr for power but nothing's changed. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Maybe it's that I can't get power back without Ichigo after all. But without that, all I can think of is... dimension between us and them maybe. I wouldn't want you caught in that but if you play the part, Zephyr could close me off and everyone would think you're on their side." He's not sure if that's really a good idea either. But he says, "We can talk to them."
no subject
Date: 2018-10-11 03:48 am (UTC)"I'm not abandoning you. And I'm not pretending that I'm not on your side... I don't think they'd believe me, anyway." Not after she's so staunchly defended him to half the village already. "But we'll find something that works. I think asking Zephyr is the right decision... They want to make this place comfortable for us. If they can't give you your power, then maybe they can protect you." She pauses, then corrects herself a moment later: "Protect both of us."
no subject
Date: 2018-10-11 05:08 am (UTC)But he forgets that as she goes on. At first it's little more than a sickening twist of shame. Then they can protect you. He shouldn't need protecting. He doesn't want anyone else to protect him. He's escaped the suffocation of Ichigo's life, but he still feels the helplessness clawing him, trying to drag him back down to drown. He wants power.
And he wants her to be safe. That much she offers, getting him to look up, brows unwinding just a little. "I guess I can try then," He concedes, more defeated than hopeful, but still. "I'll try and... I don't know. Be a part of this. But I still don't think it's going to work. I'm not made to connect to people like you can. Even if I somehow manage it, that's not much of a good thing for them either. I'd rather stay away from them all."
no subject
Date: 2018-10-13 08:54 pm (UTC)"Connecting with others isn't easy, but it makes me happy that you're willing to try. That's all I can ask." Even if it doesn't work out, she's still glad for his trust in her. "We'll figure out the rest with Zephyr."
no subject
Date: 2018-10-13 11:07 pm (UTC)Her gratitude is hard to look at. Whenever he catches sight of it, his eyes dart away. Like sunshine just a little too bright. She'll figure it out sooner or later-- that he can't, that it doesn't matter, that trying to make him into a watered down better version of himself is pointless. She can't hope forever.
He nods his head almost numbly and says, "Okay."
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