He stops as her hand catches his, but he doesn't turn back, instead hanging there with hiss shoulders high and head bowing low. At least until she starts pulling him in and he's drawn helplessly back, face twisting up all the while.
Pressed to her shoulder, he doesn't have to face her nor see her face. It keeps him from immediately asking how any of that could matter if it doesn't change anything.
"I won't let you get hurt for me. I'm not letting that be an option." His voice sounds a little more raw and rough than he'd like. Still, that needs to be put out there first and foremost. "... I really don't want to do this. I need a plan to deal with them that isn't just a bit of good faith in humanity. And you know I'm talking from experience." Not mere paranoia but a stupid, stupid mistake that he's tired of repeating. He's so, so tired. He doesn't want to do this again. But...
"...But... if that was worked out somehow... if that were still to leave the option... what exactly are you asking me to do?"
She holds him tight, one hand pressed against his back, the other against the back of his head. She rocks a little, side to side, her head pressed against his.
"Just... try to be at your best. Don't make threats; don't tell people that you don't care about them. Tell them what you're trying to do instead, whether it's to help some goal or protect someone or even just trying to get away for a while. And... I've said this before, but... Talk to me. Let me know what's going on. If it's something I can help guide you with, then I want to know. You shouldn't have to do this alone, and I don't want you to."
His best isn't very good according to most people's standards. He's not sure how far that's going to go. He doesn't think he's made any threats recently... maybe... Telling people he doesn't care about them, he guesses he could try that. Even if it's the truth. He still really doesn't like the idea of this but he'll try it. Especially if they come up with that back up plan he's calling for.
By the end he sighs, leaning a little into her rocking. She makes him feeling a child. Both for good and bad. Her hand at his head is a comfort and shot of nerves both.
And it's for that reason he asks, quietly, "Why aren't you afraid? Doesn't it make you angry that something like me is living within your son?"
"No. You care about him as much as I do. Nothing matters more than that, so why would I be angry or afraid?" There's more to it than just that, but for now, she thinks that answer will be good enough.
"And... I have the same hollow living inside me. You're not to blame for that; not for me or for him."
She makes it sound so simple. He wishes it was always so. But then, there are also the things she leaves unsaid, the things he can't let lie.
"...Neither are you. You know that right?"
That hollow might be a tie to him, a singular thing that keeps them bound together and keeps him belonging, but that doesn't mean it's all her fault. He knows exactly whose fault it is.
Regardless. "What should we do for that back up plan? We need something."
She smiles at him, almost sadly, but not quite. Her hand brushes back a bit of his bangs, tucking a few strands affectionately behind his ear. "Everyone is responsible for the actions they take." Everyone, including her. This isn't a burden he can simply take from her. But it is one that she's willing to leave aside for now.
"Well... What would you like as a backup plan? What sort of plan do you feel like you need?" She knows that he doesn't want to feel like he's making himself vulnerable, but it's the How that she's not sure how to deal with. Shutting everyone out hasn't been working for him, and letting everyone in seems to scare him.
"You want to feel safe while you're here, right?... Maybe that's something we can ask Zephyr about?" That is the kind of wish that the child has expressed for them. Maybe they'd be willing to help?
He doesn't like that look, like he's the fool here who simply doesn't understand. He frowns at her as she brushes back his hair, and then his mouth opens quick to protest what she says. "You didn't make that thing exis--" He starts, only for her to carry on and he's shut up quiet again.
His eyes dart down. "I... need some way to beat them. I need some way to fight back." He wants to feel safe but it sounds so pathetic out loud. And it's not just about that either. "I need it to be so that, if something happens, you're not paying for it too. You need to get home and Ichigo needs me back." He doesn't want to deal with all the possible problems, but it's something he can deal with, if he has to.
"I've asked Zephyr for power but nothing's changed. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Maybe it's that I can't get power back without Ichigo after all. But without that, all I can think of is... dimension between us and them maybe. I wouldn't want you caught in that but if you play the part, Zephyr could close me off and everyone would think you're on their side." He's not sure if that's really a good idea either. But he says, "We can talk to them."
For what it's worth, she listens to his ideas. She doesn't agree with them all--especially not the direction that he starts going towards the need, but they're at least a place to start. A small glimpse into the fears that she needs to address.
"I'm not abandoning you. And I'm not pretending that I'm not on your side... I don't think they'd believe me, anyway." Not after she's so staunchly defended him to half the village already. "But we'll find something that works. I think asking Zephyr is the right decision... They want to make this place comfortable for us. If they can't give you your power, then maybe they can protect you." She pauses, then corrects herself a moment later: "Protect both of us."
"Could find a way to make it believable," He starts, muttering. And they could. They'd just need to make something of a show of it. It wouldn't be hard. He'd be himself. She'd get afraid. It would be natural and easy. Everyone would see it as her being betrayed and coming to her senses.
But he forgets that as she goes on. At first it's little more than a sickening twist of shame. Then they can protect you. He shouldn't need protecting. He doesn't want anyone else to protect him. He's escaped the suffocation of Ichigo's life, but he still feels the helplessness clawing him, trying to drag him back down to drown. He wants power.
And he wants her to be safe. That much she offers, getting him to look up, brows unwinding just a little. "I guess I can try then," He concedes, more defeated than hopeful, but still. "I'll try and... I don't know. Be a part of this. But I still don't think it's going to work. I'm not made to connect to people like you can. Even if I somehow manage it, that's not much of a good thing for them either. I'd rather stay away from them all."
"I know you would... That's why I'm proud of you for doing this anyway." She smiles at him, hoping that he gratitude shows through enough for him to see it. It's the first time that she's really had reason to hope that she might be ab;e to find her little boy inside the person that stands in front of her now.
"Connecting with others isn't easy, but it makes me happy that you're willing to try. That's all I can ask." Even if it doesn't work out, she's still glad for his trust in her. "We'll figure out the rest with Zephyr."
He only has to try for as long as they're here. Then, he reminds himself, he doesn't have to bother with it anymore. And funny that, it actually gives him something to look forward to in going back. No people. No frustrations. No further aggravated hunger.
Her gratitude is hard to look at. Whenever he catches sight of it, his eyes dart away. Like sunshine just a little too bright. She'll figure it out sooner or later-- that he can't, that it doesn't matter, that trying to make him into a watered down better version of himself is pointless. She can't hope forever.
The affirmation that she gets back is mute, and she's not really surprised by that. It's a heavy conversation that they've just had, and he must be tired emotionally from trying to sort through it all. So very carefully, she takes his hands and pulls him closer until she can reach up to wrap her arms around him, hugging him tight to her chest.
"Thank you... for trying so much. I know I ask a lot of you."
Emotionally tired would be apt, even if it isn't the words he'd think to jump to. Acknowledging it would probably just make him feel all the more tired. He can't say what she does or says really eases it much.
He's pulled close, pulled in and wrapped up, held to her and it aches and aches. But her embrace is warm and soft and for every bit his mind races to come up with some justifiable betrayal, he can't help thinking she wouldn't.
His hands shake as they rise up around her back and he holds her tighter than she does him. He swallows hard, keeping his jaw tight until he comes to say, "Whatever it takes. For you, and Ichigo. If it's what I've got to do, I'll do it."
His breath isn't even or at ease but he doesn't push away yet.
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no subject
Date: 2018-09-24 03:34 pm (UTC)Pressed to her shoulder, he doesn't have to face her nor see her face. It keeps him from immediately asking how any of that could matter if it doesn't change anything.
"I won't let you get hurt for me. I'm not letting that be an option." His voice sounds a little more raw and rough than he'd like. Still, that needs to be put out there first and foremost. "... I really don't want to do this. I need a plan to deal with them that isn't just a bit of good faith in humanity. And you know I'm talking from experience." Not mere paranoia but a stupid, stupid mistake that he's tired of repeating. He's so, so tired. He doesn't want to do this again. But...
"...But... if that was worked out somehow... if that were still to leave the option... what exactly are you asking me to do?"
no subject
Date: 2018-09-24 04:30 pm (UTC)"Just... try to be at your best. Don't make threats; don't tell people that you don't care about them. Tell them what you're trying to do instead, whether it's to help some goal or protect someone or even just trying to get away for a while. And... I've said this before, but... Talk to me. Let me know what's going on. If it's something I can help guide you with, then I want to know. You shouldn't have to do this alone, and I don't want you to."
no subject
Date: 2018-09-24 04:45 pm (UTC)By the end he sighs, leaning a little into her rocking. She makes him feeling a child. Both for good and bad. Her hand at his head is a comfort and shot of nerves both.
And it's for that reason he asks, quietly, "Why aren't you afraid? Doesn't it make you angry that something like me is living within your son?"
no subject
Date: 2018-09-24 05:03 pm (UTC)"And... I have the same hollow living inside me. You're not to blame for that; not for me or for him."
no subject
Date: 2018-09-24 06:04 pm (UTC)"...Neither are you. You know that right?"
That hollow might be a tie to him, a singular thing that keeps them bound together and keeps him belonging, but that doesn't mean it's all her fault. He knows exactly whose fault it is.
Regardless. "What should we do for that back up plan? We need something."
no subject
Date: 2018-10-03 02:32 am (UTC)"Well... What would you like as a backup plan? What sort of plan do you feel like you need?" She knows that he doesn't want to feel like he's making himself vulnerable, but it's the How that she's not sure how to deal with. Shutting everyone out hasn't been working for him, and letting everyone in seems to scare him.
"You want to feel safe while you're here, right?... Maybe that's something we can ask Zephyr about?" That is the kind of wish that the child has expressed for them. Maybe they'd be willing to help?
no subject
Date: 2018-10-04 01:58 pm (UTC)His eyes dart down. "I... need some way to beat them. I need some way to fight back." He wants to feel safe but it sounds so pathetic out loud. And it's not just about that either. "I need it to be so that, if something happens, you're not paying for it too. You need to get home and Ichigo needs me back." He doesn't want to deal with all the possible problems, but it's something he can deal with, if he has to.
"I've asked Zephyr for power but nothing's changed. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Maybe it's that I can't get power back without Ichigo after all. But without that, all I can think of is... dimension between us and them maybe. I wouldn't want you caught in that but if you play the part, Zephyr could close me off and everyone would think you're on their side." He's not sure if that's really a good idea either. But he says, "We can talk to them."
no subject
Date: 2018-10-11 03:48 am (UTC)"I'm not abandoning you. And I'm not pretending that I'm not on your side... I don't think they'd believe me, anyway." Not after she's so staunchly defended him to half the village already. "But we'll find something that works. I think asking Zephyr is the right decision... They want to make this place comfortable for us. If they can't give you your power, then maybe they can protect you." She pauses, then corrects herself a moment later: "Protect both of us."
no subject
Date: 2018-10-11 05:08 am (UTC)But he forgets that as she goes on. At first it's little more than a sickening twist of shame. Then they can protect you. He shouldn't need protecting. He doesn't want anyone else to protect him. He's escaped the suffocation of Ichigo's life, but he still feels the helplessness clawing him, trying to drag him back down to drown. He wants power.
And he wants her to be safe. That much she offers, getting him to look up, brows unwinding just a little. "I guess I can try then," He concedes, more defeated than hopeful, but still. "I'll try and... I don't know. Be a part of this. But I still don't think it's going to work. I'm not made to connect to people like you can. Even if I somehow manage it, that's not much of a good thing for them either. I'd rather stay away from them all."
no subject
Date: 2018-10-13 08:54 pm (UTC)"Connecting with others isn't easy, but it makes me happy that you're willing to try. That's all I can ask." Even if it doesn't work out, she's still glad for his trust in her. "We'll figure out the rest with Zephyr."
no subject
Date: 2018-10-13 11:07 pm (UTC)Her gratitude is hard to look at. Whenever he catches sight of it, his eyes dart away. Like sunshine just a little too bright. She'll figure it out sooner or later-- that he can't, that it doesn't matter, that trying to make him into a watered down better version of himself is pointless. She can't hope forever.
He nods his head almost numbly and says, "Okay."
no subject
Date: 2018-10-14 05:24 am (UTC)"Thank you... for trying so much. I know I ask a lot of you."
no subject
Date: 2018-10-15 09:06 am (UTC)He's pulled close, pulled in and wrapped up, held to her and it aches and aches. But her embrace is warm and soft and for every bit his mind races to come up with some justifiable betrayal, he can't help thinking she wouldn't.
His hands shake as they rise up around her back and he holds her tighter than she does him. He swallows hard, keeping his jaw tight until he comes to say, "Whatever it takes. For you, and Ichigo. If it's what I've got to do, I'll do it."
His breath isn't even or at ease but he doesn't push away yet.