Use that, she says, and he's already muttering, "I can't." It's not fair. It's not his fault, things are just like this. He says it again, a little louder when she asks him to let them in: "I can't."
No. It's not instinct. People don't listen to instincts. What it is is that they're bastards. They all are. It's hidden but it's there, underneath. He can't trust them. In the end... in the end...
"I can't!" He snaps. "Look what happened with John! It's a mistake! People find more than they should and show their true colors immediately after! And what are they supposed to find anyway? That I'm a weapon with no power? That I barely count as a person and can never be their friend? No, you know what it's going to be? It's going to be that at the end of the day, those bastards are right, and the closer they get to me the more I want to kill them!" He stands up, shifting away from her. He takes a step back.
"No one's gonna just say it--" Always words like crush and destroy and swallow up. Even his own phrasing, he can't just speak it for what it is. "But that's what it is. That's what it comes down to. I can't beat everyone in this world, when they inevitably come for me. The bastards take that little tidbit and run with it, while the ones who were stupid enough to actually genuinely think they could get in give me that damn look when they finally understand what it all means! I can't tell them anything, which means I can't let them in, which means everyone's just going to take their first impressions and make me out a bastard until I inevitably disappear and stop existing in anyone's life! And now I've told you that, which means your gonna give me that look and I..." He can't stand this. He can't do it. He can't.
He turns, trying to start away. Get out before he has to hear it or read the words in her eyes.
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Date: 2018-09-24 12:20 pm (UTC)No. It's not instinct. People don't listen to instincts. What it is is that they're bastards. They all are. It's hidden but it's there, underneath. He can't trust them. In the end... in the end...
"I can't!" He snaps. "Look what happened with John! It's a mistake! People find more than they should and show their true colors immediately after! And what are they supposed to find anyway? That I'm a weapon with no power? That I barely count as a person and can never be their friend? No, you know what it's going to be? It's going to be that at the end of the day, those bastards are right, and the closer they get to me the more I want to kill them!" He stands up, shifting away from her. He takes a step back.
"No one's gonna just say it--" Always words like crush and destroy and swallow up. Even his own phrasing, he can't just speak it for what it is. "But that's what it is. That's what it comes down to. I can't beat everyone in this world, when they inevitably come for me. The bastards take that little tidbit and run with it, while the ones who were stupid enough to actually genuinely think they could get in give me that damn look when they finally understand what it all means! I can't tell them anything, which means I can't let them in, which means everyone's just going to take their first impressions and make me out a bastard until I inevitably disappear and stop existing in anyone's life! And now I've told you that, which means your gonna give me that look and I..." He can't stand this. He can't do it. He can't.
He turns, trying to start away. Get out before he has to hear it or read the words in her eyes.